Sometimes, it is not quite a good thing to think over too many things at one time. It just drains you, and right now, I am quite drained.
(To the friend with the black cheong-sam) I find it difficult to entirely cast my burden unto the Lord, not because I don’t trust Him, but I love my family too much. I can’t stop thinking how to give my best to the people around me – loving them as myself.
Today, I spoke with my ex-teacher and she gave me a new perspective into the inner conflict that I am going through. I thank her for seeing it from my point of view. It feels encouraging to know that there is actually someone who understands completely what I am thinking about, what I am fearing of.
To those who are completely lost about the subject, I am still contemplating whether or not I should pursue my studies overseas or locally.
Well, let me warn you, it is not as straight-forward as it seems. No, this is not about whether University of Manchester is better than local ATC Kemayan College, nor about Manchester has greater lecturers than IMU.
It is about whether my family can withstand the pressure of me not being here, after dealing with a major pressure in the family- the absence of dad. Whether they can handle the pressure of me pursuing my dreams, unfortunately no matter how filial I try to be while doing that, at the expense of their well-being.
It is about whether my brother can withstand the pressure of not having a fatherly figure to impart into his life as he goes through the most important years of his life.
Now, he’s 10.When I am back, he’ll be 14. I would had missed out four years of instilling Godly values in him and guiding him through one of the most treacherous times of his life. I would had missed seeing him growing up from primary to secondary school life, with all the potential quality time we could spend together with my physical presence.
It is about whether my mum can cope with the monumental financial strain upon the family. It is about whether she can accept the fact that now she is the sole breadwinner, with me, while completing my studies, sitting helplessly.
It is about whether I, or mum and brother, should carry the heavier burden of protecting the family. It is about whether a single person can bear it alone to impact two lives, or two people bear it to fulfill the dream of a single person.
I would regret a decision that would tear my family apart because we only have one another now. But, I would also regret a decision that would tear my dreams apart because I have nothing to day-dream about but them. Ultimately, I want a decision that would keep my family intact, and help me to achieve my dreams.
Sometimes, I wished I am just a selfish crook who is all out to fulfill his dreams and his ideals without thinking about anyone but himself. Things would be easier. It would be about me, my dreams, my goals, and my ideals.
But I can’t. I am not a crook.
I have strings holding me back. And they are invisible to most people.
P/S: It’s no longer about whether to take medicine, law, or engineering. It’s about whether I love my family or my dreams more. Period.
