This morning, I went to my ex-school SMK Batu Lapan (the secondary school before Sri KDU where I did my IB) to see my ex-teacher for some advice about what was expected of a Science teacher. Before the CNY festival, I was offered a position as a temporary teacher in Batu 8; rumours had it that I am to teach Science, Moral, KH, Math, and/or PJK.
The advisory session turned into a counselling session… Haha… I am not sure whether counselling is the right word, but somewhat we went off tangent from ‘how to teach science for Form 1′ to ‘whether Winson should stay in Malaysia for the next few years or fly off to overseas’.
To place things into context, I would like to elaborate a little. Before Christmas 2008, I was all out to getting a place in the Ivies to pursue my tertiary education. But after Christmas 2008, which will for a very long time be remembered as my father’s death anniversary, things are not so simple anymore. For the first time, it is not about myself, but about the people around me.
Is it ethical to go off and leave your loved ones, after they have suffered a major loss just not too long ago? (If I am to fly, I will be off by August 2009, which is basically about 9 months after the Christmas episode.) It is a very painful and draining process, personally.
To be filial, or to be determined in achieving your dreams? To put your interest, or the interest of your family first? To look at the short-term good, or to look at the long-term good? And most importantly, what does God have to say about me staying or leaving?
Previous posts have me mentioned about my various course and institution options. But, in the end, it really boils down to whether I want to stay temporarily, or to leave and pursuit the Ivy dream?(The whole I-have-so-many-options-chart is to actually make myself feel better that I have alternatives IF I STAY.)
By now, after sifting through all my thoughts and inner conflicts, I hope you would be able to identify with me, how big a decision I am about to make in the next few months.
—————————-
I embarked on a 40-Day Prayer Mission, although I have to admit it takes a lot of faith and commitment to be able to REALLY PRAY AND SEEK GOD. Everyday, I would ask myself whether I should stay or go abroad after each day’s experience, prayer, conversation with people, and detailed observation around me. The most important result of the day is, whether everything points to STAY, or GO ABROAD. And, this is the summary of my 4-day-old mission:
Day 1: Stay
Day 2: Stay/ Go Abroad
Day 3: Unrecorded
DAy 4: Stay/ Go Abroad
———————————
It is draining, and this is still an understatement. It takes so much out of you that you don’t know which is the right way to go. You want to make the best decision after considering EVERYTHING in picture.
God seems to be so far away, and He is leaving you alone to make up your mind. He seems to be giving you some space to breathe. But God seems so far away, and unreal. But John 14:27 keeps popping out, once in a while, probably also because that was my first memory verse that I actively memorise in my entire Christian walk.
John 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you; don’t let your hearts be troubled and don’t be afraid.
———————————
I have this bad habit, and it might seem hypocritical to some. I always put up a very strong front. I always laugh and crack joke with my friends. And yet, I don’t reveal my true feelings within. Probably, I just want to assure my friends that I am fine after the Christmas surprise, but the fact is, I am feeling this void within me – I am fatherless.
Sometimes, it is a horrible thing to be part of Adam’s race because it is difficult for a guy to cry out his emotions. Girls just cry, and they are fine after that. Guys are left with this suppressed emotion that cannot be expressed by tears, even after I tried so hard to tear just to let it out. (I cried so much at the mortuary and at the funeral though.)
———————————–
This year’s reunion dinner was different. Different because we are not in the mood. Different because we are short of one member. Different because New Year’s Eve is on the 25th, exactly one month after the surprise.
Today, it is the Third Day of Chinese New Year and I am so blessed to spend part of it with the Mahs, Riza, Jeff, Jorrel, Sarah, and Yie Hahn. The dinner and mah-jong session have made most of my day.
But the thing that encouraged me a lot tonight, after the whole episode of soul-searching and soul-draining, is a blog by a acquaintance-turned-friend.
Basically, this friend asked me on the dinner table whether I am still planning to take up law. I was curious because I was very sure that I did not disclose this detail to this particular friend.
“How did you know?“
“I read your blog la.“
Feeling indebted because I seldom visit her blog, I decided to visit her blog after so many months.
About her blog, all her posts about life and how God is so real in her life encouraged me a lot. This is a short excerpt from her blog:
“I guess we often question a lot in life and hoping for the answeres we want. And if we don’t get our wants’ we say God doesn’t answer, He isn’t listening, He is not fair, He does not care anymore. I believe most of the time when this happens, it’s only God’s way of shaping our lives, to be someone better in life. To prepare us for greater challenges in life.”
This is spot on. This is one of the rarer blogs that actually spurs me to reflect about things in life.
After all these, I realise that whether I choose to stay or to go abroad, “we only get to live life once”, with God as our guide. And “we should smile at every opportunity to do so.”
P/S: Thank you, friend. Black Cheongsam and Jennifer Lopez Still would make a good match… =P
